Writing Without the Drama

Yes, God is so very pretty.

And he has great timing.  Well, we certainly didn’t see it that way yesterday, but he does.

I should be happy that God can sense each incremental inch forward of progress that I make.  And then adds a new wrinkle to the landscape.

Okay, not a wrinkle.  Even that is a negative slogan.  He does seem to up his game though.

As if the move wasn’t a big enough deal, it looks like my business partner may be out of the country for the week preceding the move.  Did I mention YIKES?

I keep forgetting that we will figure it out.  God did not provide this opportunity for nothing. There are so many lessons to be learned.  So much parenting to be done.  So many kids to pick up.

And when isn’t that well timed?

I don’t think I can count the number of magical thoughts in my head right now.

Which just made me realize…  The kids are out of control.  The adult is struggling so I need God.

Whew!  To think I was going to write an entire blog about magical thinking.  Well, actually the kids were going to write a blog about trying to justify why magical thinking made sense.  That would have been awkward.

The kids want to be in Ventura already.  I think many of them have helped participate in bolts before.  Let’s call them the grass is always greener kids.

Which they completely agree.  The grass is always greener.

Or at least it looks like it.  I’m not saying that Ventura doesn’t suit us better.  I think it does.  It just isn’t perfect.

We will change external Zip codes, but my internal one will be about the same.  I’ll still have all my phobias and addictions.  I’ll still be me.

And that’s okay.  We don’t need a magical place to fix everything.

God’s love is the ‘fix.’  And we can find that anywhere.

Okay, okay, okay, He does seem a little more obvious during a beach sunset, but you get my point

Well, so many things…

How much I miss Gary.

How happy I am.

And how pretty God is.

This morning there was less in my checking account than I thought there should be.  So, of course, I freaked out.

I forgot how pretty God was.  He clearly wants me to be more conscious around money.  For all my plotting and planning to give myself a buffer this month, he has, in his infinity wisdom, made sure I have to count each nickel and dime.

It feels like it will be ‘tight’ which I’m sure was not his intent.  Just consciousness.  Just paying attention.

Each time I come up against this, I worry and fret (okay, probably closer to FREAK OUT), then it works out and I look back and see how generous God is and how it worked out perfectly.

Then the next time comes and I…  Freak out again.

Wow, talk about a slow building learning curve

So for today…

I miss Gary.  Almost too much to bear.

I am happy.  I mean really, really, really happy.

God is so pretty.  Even when I’m freaking out

She is one busy little girl.

As I become more and more conscious, I am realizing more and more how frequently I have a low blood sugar.

That dull roar behind my ears.  That feeling of falling.  The sharpness.  The stiffness.

I think it is a combination of kids running under the floor boards, over consuming and hypo girl actively driving it down as a kill switch.

Not fun in either circumstance.

I do think they want to be picked up though because they are making themselves ever so obvious.

I mean I ate a FULL meal, way off WW, and was running low.  I had cheesy toast and a baked potato!!!  That takes some effort to drop my BG in the face of those carbs.

And I love her.  She saved my life countless times (okay, she has been counting - on her fingers which is so cute - and it is like a gazillion and a half times).

I think she gets activated by the same kids as Insomnia girls.

Those that haven’t been given voice yet.  Those that are stirred up and the adult doesn’t realize it yet.

All my life I have been ‘managing’ my blood sugar, when really it was just kids asking to get picked up.

And that’s pretty darn cool

I would love to say I hate them, but just by virtue of me having such a strong reaction to the words means I have a lot of kids to pick up.

And boy are they pissed off.  It feels like we have lived out life under double standards, and let’s be clear it never came down on my side.

It feels I have always been held to a higher standard.  No, a much, much, much higher standard.  On a very narrow ledge.

And I’m not good with heights nor am I particularly good at balancing either.

Yeah, that’s taken up a lot of time and energy.

The problem is, my kids took up those tapes and have been repeating them over and over.  Holding myself to these impossibly high standards (and unfortunately for most of the people around me) for decades now.

I think much of my self-sabotaging behavior has come about to counter-balance these high standards.

Because good God if we are successful, you can only imagine the overdrive we would go into.

That’s why I think Ventura will be so good for me.  Hard to go into overdrive mode at the beach (although I’m sure we could find a way so I’ll keep checking about that).

Wow, I just realized I have been mad at other people for so long about the double standard they place on, but I’m the one that set the rules up to begin with.

I think it is healthy to have to pride in my work.  To want to be a team player.  To be responsible and dependable.

I think where I get into trouble is that I want people to assume I am all those things.  That they don’t have to ‘worry’ about things.  But what I am saying is that they don’t have to ‘worry’ about my feelings.  They come to expect things of me and then I get upset they are expectant.

Yeah, this is a ritual that I’ve danced a couple hundred times before.

I would love to see what the vista holds for this one.  I would love to think I know the path I am going to walk ahead.

But I don’t.  All’s I know right now is that I have identified a ritual and I want to change it.

And you know what?  That’s a pretty darn good starting point

God is so pretty that sometimes he puts in some special effects just to go that extra step.

Yesterday we were at our (yes, finally our, we signed contracts) beach house.  We stayed for the sunset.

I mean, I knew I wanted to see it.  I knew I wanted to experience the beach in the evening, but WHAT????????

It was off the hook in the most zen fashion ever.

At first it was a bit uncomfortable.  It turns out our house is directly in the line of the setting sun, so the brightness right before it went down was a bit much.  Beautiful but intense, even with highly polarized glasses on.

Then it hit the horizon.  I don’t think I have ever seen such rich hues of orange and red.  It illuminated the entire sky.

It truly was an event.  Most of our neighbors came out to watch the spectacle play out.

Right when it was about half way down, it backlit the San Juan Islands, making it appear as if they were lit by an supernatural light (which I think they are

Then to just make it perfect, a kayaker paddled by and the six surfers paddled out further to watch the sun go down.  And the pelicans took to the sky en mass.  Flying and diving and generally being beautiful.

It truly was surreal.  The most perfect movie moment you could ever want, without a single camera in sight.

Once the globe sunk down beneath the horizon, the real special effects really started.  Without the actual sun there, the sky was still lit with those lush oranges and red.  It seemed impossible anything could be that beautiful. It makes me want to cry.

If I had trouble coming home from a DAY at the beach, holy cow, was I not happy to travel east last night.

The adult had a hard time calming the kids, because, heck I didn’t want to leave either.

But we have that sunset in our mind now.  We are going to use that passion and love to help fuel all the not quite so fun aspects of the move.

Because after Nov 27th, we will be seeing that sunset every night.

God really, really, really is that pretty.

Yeah, you wouldn’t think those two two statements would go together, but for me they definitely do.

We have done a wonderful job of not being so sharp.  Being softer.  More kind.  Gentler.

But to desire tenderness?  To want to approach each and every interaction in my life with tenderness and expect tenderness back?

Okay, that just sounds completely crazy.

It really does need a huge CAUTION in front of it.

Or does it?  What interaction wouldn’t benefit from tenderness?  Even if the external circumstances were brutal (which I think if tenderness was your baseline, you wouldn’t ever get close to a brutal situation, but hey, this is an example), treating yourself with tenderness has got to help, right?

Tenderness feels so much more dangerous than gentleness.  Gentle feels like the action while tenderness is the intent.

I feels like children can be gentle, but it takes the parent to be tender.  Tenderness feels like it takes far greater patience.  Far more grounding.

Shouldn’t the warning be:  Caution!  No tenderness ahead?

Yeah, I think I really like coming up on tenderness

Who knew my protectors came in sky-covering flocks.

But they do.  Especially around my writing.

I don’t want to get into the story, so let’s just say my worth as a writer seemed to come into question last night.

It didn’t, but wow, that’s how the Valkyries took it.

God love them, but I think even the most stalwart amongst them is beginning to see that there really is no situation in which we need a vanguard of armed mythological protectors.

If anything their response hurts me and clouds me from really moving forward and healing any kids that might have actually had their happiness diverted.

Yesterday my business partner had a similar moment.  It was so clear his spin and going up into a queue was counterproductive to even his Valkyries stated goals.

As was mine.

I love my Valkyries and they can come and hang out anytime.  I love to see them wield in the sky and do their beautiful maneuvers.

But just like I would never want to be in an actual plane dog-fight but love watching the Blue Angels, I think we can move past the show of force and maybe have it just be a show of support.

Flocks and flocks of support

“Ummm… probably because you have your eyes squeezed closed.”

Oh, yeah, maybe that’s the problem.

I’ve been such a dork over this whole move.  Well, over the book deal and life in general.

I think someone in there is complaining that God isn’t being clear enough, when he knows how much I love fog.

I guess I’m not into the whole, one foot in front of another, following his path with faith.

I like to talk about it, but I don’t think a lot of my kids really believe it.

So what a wonderful opportunity to pick up a bunch of kids and to really embrace letting go and going with God.

I don’t even know how today is going to turn out, let alone the next year or decade.

So while I can’t see the path ahead very far, I can tell you the landscape around me is absolutely beautiful and what more could you ask for?