Writing Without the Drama

I would love to say I hate them, but just by virtue of me having such a strong reaction to the words means I have a lot of kids to pick up.

And boy are they pissed off.  It feels like we have lived out life under double standards, and let’s be clear it never came down on my side.

It feels I have always been held to a higher standard.  No, a much, much, much higher standard.  On a very narrow ledge.

And I’m not good with heights nor am I particularly good at balancing either.

Yeah, that’s taken up a lot of time and energy.

The problem is, my kids took up those tapes and have been repeating them over and over.  Holding myself to these impossibly high standards (and unfortunately for most of the people around me) for decades now.

I think much of my self-sabotaging behavior has come about to counter-balance these high standards.

Because good God if we are successful, you can only imagine the overdrive we would go into.

That’s why I think Ventura will be so good for me.  Hard to go into overdrive mode at the beach (although I’m sure we could find a way so I’ll keep checking about that).

Wow, I just realized I have been mad at other people for so long about the double standard they place on, but I’m the one that set the rules up to begin with.

I think it is healthy to have to pride in my work.  To want to be a team player.  To be responsible and dependable.

I think where I get into trouble is that I want people to assume I am all those things.  That they don’t have to ‘worry’ about things.  But what I am saying is that they don’t have to ‘worry’ about my feelings.  They come to expect things of me and then I get upset they are expectant.

Yeah, this is a ritual that I’ve danced a couple hundred times before.

I would love to see what the vista holds for this one.  I would love to think I know the path I am going to walk ahead.

But I don’t.  All’s I know right now is that I have identified a ritual and I want to change it.

And you know what?  That’s a pretty darn good starting point

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